Swipe

I have been putting this off for weeks. I really thought Lauren was the end of looking for my life partner using an app. Alas, I was wrong. She sent me text a few months ago telling me she needed her space.

“It’s not you, its me.”

Honestly, I cannot say I was surprised. I felt her pulling away months in advance of the text that ended our three-year relationship. Though I was not surprised, it still hurt, and I spent months licking my wounds.

When I was ready to move on, the prospect of recreating my profile on the handful of dating apps I’d used in the past engaged the procrastinator in me. Answering those questions, finding the perfect profile pics, making myself sound more marketable than the thousands of other dudes out there. Making sure I was marketable only to woman. Don’t get me wrong, nothing against those that prefer the company of their own gender, just not my thing.

When I was still licking my wounds, but hormones ignited the desire to be with a woman, I considered a syncompanion. Sex without the emotional baggage, fear of disease, or falling short of expectations. Then I saw the price! I could overhaul the batteries in a fleet of Amazon delivery trucks for what they want for one of those things.

Economics said I needed to start dating again if I wanted a companion.

After downloading the app I met Lauren on, I prepared myself for the litany of questions the enrollment process required. As the first questions appeared, I vowed not to delete my account if I met someone again. Just deactivate it. Just in case.

My how things have changed in the four years since Lauren accepted my invitation to vid-chat and the way things worked now. I slogged my way through the usual questions, but then received quite the surprise when a popup appeared stating, You have reached the end of interview process. Now you must authorize MateApp to access your medical records.

I clicked the deny button and was informed that in order to use the app, I must assure any prospective mates that I was disease free and of good genetic stock. I spent a moment considering the price tag of the syncompanion, dismissed the idea for the same economic reasons as before and authorized MateAPP to access my medical records.

The next popup asked to provide MateAPP with any state in which I held a drivers license. I clicked the ? icon to learn why. According to the help file, they will use the information to search public records for any driving or criminal convictions. We need to assure our clients that prospective mates are not a criminal risk or offer potential insurance liabilities. After some hesitation, I filled in my current driver’s license information and selected the option for no other states.

The next popup almost ended the process. It asked me to enter all financial institutions I did business with. Examples given were banks, brokerages, cryptocurrency accounts, and retirement accounts. I thought this was taking things to far. Love should be more about people than money. Again, just because I wanted to get my head around the apps thinking I clicked the ? icon. MateApp wants to guarantee the integrity of financial status claims of its members. No account info will be shared or divulged to prospective mates. Sure, I had to state my income, but damn, this was too far.

Then I wondered what happens when hackers crack MateApp’s databases.

I filled in the fields and clicked next; my breath held. Thank you for completing your online profile. You may begin searching for your lifelong partner. Here are some of your matches.

The first woman was a brunette with a round face, not my type…swipe. The next, a redhead. My thoughts flashed back to the girl I dated in 10th grade…swipe. There were several that just didn’t quite get my passion up, then my breath caught.

Her eyes shimmered with their own light, framed by a mane of platinum blonde hair, narrow face with just enough cheek bones to notice them. She was stunning, almost as though she was the syncompanion I spec’d, but could never, ever, afford.

I clicked Like.

Without hesitation a popup appeared, Sorry, this MateApp customer does not feel your genetic makeup matches what she is looking for.

“Really!”

I read through her profile and saw nothing but similarities in interests. I even checked many of the boxes for what she described as her ideal man. In my humble opinion.

“Genetic makeup?”

This is what it comes down too. No more learning about a person through a series of dates. Every aspect of our lives loaded in a database to be matched with another database.

Swipe…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *